He joined to 'follow the news.' He is now quote-tweeting politicians with 'You are a failure!' at 6 AM. He has 47 followers, all family members who were bullied into following. He believes he is influencing national discourse. Nigerian fathers on Twitter are a special breed of chaos. They do not understand the culture. They do not know what a ratio is. They will reply "Well said!" to a tweet that is obviously sarcastic. They will argue with bots. They will report accounts for "insulting the president" as if Twitter is a police station. And the timing! They tweet when normal people sleep. 4:47 AM thoughts about fuel subsidy. 5:12 AM opinions about young people's fashion. 11:30 PM rants about "children of nowadays." Their timeline is a sleep disorder documented in real-time. The family intervention is inevitable. "Daddy, please stop arguing with strangers." "Daddy, that account is a parody." "Daddy, 'LOL' does not mean 'lots of love.'" He does not listen. He is a digital warrior. He is fighting for Nigeria, one confused reply at a time. But the pride! When his tweet gets ten likes. When a stranger agrees with him. When he trends for three minutes because he misunderstood a hashtag. He prints the screenshot. He shows it at family meetings. "I am now an influencer," he declares. The family nods. The family is tired. Has your father joined Twitter? And what's the most unhinged thing he's tweeted or replied to?
