The Nigerian landlord is a unique species of human being. They have mastered the art of making you feel like a beggar in a house you pay for. I currently rent a three-bedroom apartment in Gbagada for ₦2.5 million per year. That is ₦208,000 monthly. I pay on time, every time. Yet my landlord treats me like a squatter he is tolerating out of charity. Last month, my AC stopped working. I called him. He said, "These modern tenants, always wanting luxury. In my time, we used fans." In your time, sir, the naira was equal to the dollar. This month, I asked if I could repaint the sitting room from that depressing beige to something modern. He said no, because "it might reduce the value when you leave." I am not allowed to hang frames with nails. I am not allowed to change the curtains. I am not allowed to have a dog. But I am allowed to pay. The agent is worse. He enters my compound unannounced to "inspect." He brings potential tenants to view the empty boys' quarters without informing me. He once opened my gate at 8 p.m. because he "thought I was not home." This is my home! I pay for the privacy! And the rent increases? Every two years, they jump by 30% because "market rate." But when I ask for basic maintenance, they say "tenant responsibility." Which one is it? Am I a customer or a hostage? The worst part is that home ownership is a fortress protected by impossible prices. So we are stuck in this abusive relationship with landlords who know we have nowhere else to go. Renters, assemble. What is the most absurd thing your landlord has ever done or said to you? Let's expose them.
